Friday

Yesterday´s examination went fine, I´m happy with my presentation. 

I have located 2 doors! I found them in my attic, at first I was gonna steel them, but I decided to ask my neighbours and they said I could have them! I just need someone with a car to help me move them to Konstfack so I can start working on them.

I have not yet had a sugarfree day...

For a long time I have been thinking about making art of my pain. (I have a chronic rheumatic disease that plagues my body with pain every day). I dont really know how to visualise pain. During years of medical examinations and tests (when I was a teenager) I was forced to explain the different pains in words (sharp, stabbing, fretting, galling, annoying, burning, numbing, perennial, wearyingly and so on), so thats what I know, but I have never communicated pain in images. 

I guess Frida Kahlo´s paintings express a lot of pain, any ideas anyone?

Sunday

Today I took photos of my auntie identity. Now I did 8. Im happy about the project so far, everything is going well. At first it annoyed me that I wouldnt be able to take all the photos myself, but now I like that it is different people that happen to be around when I am the identity and have my camera with me. I like that it is my identity through others views (mixed with mine since it is me who decide when the photos are to be taken), and I like that the pictures has different styles. 

Wednesday

Now everything feels much better! My first idea for my project was to burn a identity map on a wooden door, I started to write down lots of thoughts but I couldnt seem to start with the door. Just the thought of that big door filled me with anxiety. But...

last week thursday I had an epiphany! Why make it difficult for myself when it doesnt have to be? I was thinking about multiple identity, how we, humans, has many different roles that we are always moving inbetween. For example I am a mother, a student, a girlfriend, a museum teacher, a daughter and so on, and my idea is to portrait myself, through photography, when I am all theese different identities. So far I have 32 identities. 

I started already, at the moment I shot 6 identities and are currently working on them.

Happy happy joy joy!

I havnt killed the door, I just left it for a while.

Tuesday

The silicon mold came out nice, I did a few more, but to mold in chocolate was harder than I thought. I tried lower temperatures when melting the chocolate, I tried different chocolates, but my pralines still dont come out right. Either the chocolate becomes grainy or white "stains" appear after 1 day. I made super tasty fillings even, passionfruit ganache and nougat, and I spend so much time on making the pralines that I now lost the lust of doing it. My patience is gone. And I ate so much pralines that I feel sick.
Lately I have been feeling that we are doing so many other things all the time (in this course), that is taking my focus away from my project. When we started this term I was feeling inspired, but we are doing workshops, reading, theory, weeklong printing/materials/drawing workshops, WHEN are we gonna start with our thing? Tomorrow I know, but now, because of the stress of trying to read difficult texts and everything else, I lost all the inspiration I had when we started. I lost it. I feel that everything is overwhelming right now. I cant concentrate or start again.
It did feel a little bit better today after speaking to Steven.

The only thing that feels good right now is my training. I went on a boxing camp in the weekend! It was great, we did kool tests like brutalbänken, the theory was interesting, and the training was excellent. My tests went ok, for not being an elite boxer. All my muscles ache! I like it!

Thursday

Today I was making my very first silicon mold, not sure if it will be ok cause I had too little silicon. Tomorrow I will start molding my little chocolate pralines! So far I like this week. Last week I was ill and very tired, but im getting better!

The changes. I have been hanging out, calling and e-mailing my friends more. And its nice, actually, but I must say that it takes TIME to hang out. I dont have much time. Im busy with school and I take care of my son (alone). Whenever I have a babysitter I go to train boxing. And soon I will start working aswell 1 day/week. 

The sugar is harder. I have cut down, but I did not have a sugarfree day yet...But Im on it, ok! Its not only the sugar that is the problem. I decided that I will change my whole diet and become super healthy. Now I started to train again after 5 weeks of relaxing and Argentinian icecream. Monday I´m going for a bodyscan, to check muscles, water, fat and all kinds of stuff and then they will tell me how much protein and such I need to maximise my training. And next weekend I´m going to a boxing camp, where we will do physical tests, learn about strategic boxing and train! 

Monday

Today I was very tired and I felt uninspired at the print workshop. I love printing, but I like photo polymer (not sure what its called in english) and screenprinting. 

But I did get ideas to my formless identity investigation. Just by being in that room made me realize how much I missed printing. At first I was thinking that this term I would concentrate on pyrography, woodburning, but now I feel the urge to print so I might have to do both. 

I think that I will do a mix between pyrography and graphic art. 

I want to burn on doors and print on paper (photo polymer). Somehow I need to connect the two techniques. 

It will be some sort of identity map, a puzzle of memories, events, experiences, people, culture, language; everything that played a role in shaping my identity until now. 

About the change, I´m still not sure. For a few years now, maybe since I had my child, I´ve been hanging out less and less with my friends. On my (reduced) sparetime I want to be by myself and not care about anyone but me. But one day I thought this is how you end up with no friends. I used to have loads of friends, and now I don´t know who to call to tell big news. Even though I chose to be alone I dont really like being alone. This must change! My first change is to hang out with my friends.

The other change is about sugar. Hello, my name is Yanina and I am a sugar addict. I will try to get in control of the sugar. Yesterday I baked sugarfree cupcakes! Supertasty, I used stevia instead of sugar. Stevia is a sweet plant from Latin America, very healthy and 10 times sweeter than sugar. Illegal in Europe, I bought it in Bolivia 2 weeks ago. 

Thursday

Today we got the assignment to make changes.
I have no idea what my change will be. I often make radical changes and I enjoy the uncertainty of what they will bring. Maybe my change is not to make changes...to slow down...don´t know...